Resolve in Three Parts
by Aspera
Summary: SVU & Conviction: Can Alex and Olivia pick up the pieces?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I'm inclined to hate it if you are (ie, feedback is appreciated). Manvils for Alex depress the hell out of me.

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers:** _Conviction_, I suppose

**Disclaimer:** These characters are not mine; I don't get paid for this, etc.

* * *

She can't say when exactly she stopped caring. Sometime after being shot and before becoming Bureau Chief. But was it before or after the Connors trial? Before or after Wisconsin, Arizona, Nebraska? Somewhere between Emily, Jessica, and Sarah? 

She remembers the tears in Olivia's eyes. How long? And how her heart shattered as the convoy pulled away. Waking up to snow falling on a cold Wisconsin morning and shivering, thinking she could by cryogenically preserved until the warmth of Olivia's body next to her would bring her back to life.

She remembers Olivia's sad eyes hiding behind a smile, asking if she wants to play backgammon, if she's making any friends. Maybe it was then, when she started to hate her just a little bit. For pretending this was all normal, that it didn't mean anything more than Alex being there to testify. That the last year and half hadn't been hell. The claims adjuster—what was his name? Greg? Tim? That was to test her. One last chance, and when Olivia gave her that peculiar smile, Alex looked away.

She remembers running on a treadmill at the gym—outside she's too exposed, too vulnerable—and hating her for that smile, for that unconditional acceptance, for shutting Alex out, literally and figuratively, for never saying I love you, for being wrong when she accused Alex of only caring about her career, for being right when she said there's no reason for you to die for this.

She remembers waking up alone in bed and stretching. Buying the _Times_ and reading the national news first. Telling herself it was normal, the images of Olivia that flashed through her mind when she was drinking coffee or cooking dinner or having sex. After all, they worked together for years.

* * *

She didn't doubt that Branch would offer her a job. How could he not, his golden child raised from the dead? She didn't expect it to be Bureau Chief, but hell, if that's what he thought best, who was she to argue? Her ADAs acted like five-year-olds sometimes, but she could handle that. 

Drug dealers? We don't cut deals (unless they know someone important). A child killer? Is he old enough to seek the death penalty? A mother faking her child's cancer? Hmm, well, go ahead, we'll have a sympathetic jury.

How have you been, Counselor?

I'm sorry I never…Fine, detective, I've been fine. No racing heart, no dry mouth, no temptation to let her eyes stray from the detective's face.

Would you like to get dinner sometime?

I…no. No, thank you.

Olivia looks like she's been slapped, but is trying not to show it. Alex thinks she should feel guilty, but she really doesn't feel guilt anymore. Or much of anything. Maybe it's not fair, but if there's one thing she's learned, it's that life isn't fair. Fair is getting justice for every victim; fair is having a lover without risking your career; fair is not using someone else to replace the one you love. But life isn't fair. So kill or be killed. Alex knows it's not fair, but if there's one thing she's learned, it's that you screw people over before they do you.

I hear congratulations are in order, Counselor, her voice catching on the word.

Alex nods.

The detective touches her hand gently, examining the ring, refusing to meet Alex's eyes, and Alex feels a ping of longing for what might have been.

Beautiful, Olivia finally says, looking up, and Alex isn't sure if she's talking about the ring or the person wearing it. She blinks, realizes it doesn't matter. The diamond's not so pretty, if you compare it to Olivia's face, and the man who gave it to her not so handsome; and the wedding will be mundane, as all weddings are, really, and she'll go back to her job she doesn't deserve and put kids away for life, because this is what life has handed her. It's not fair, but Olivia will get over it. She has.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, have you seen our illustrious former ADA lately?" John asks her as she walks into the squad room.

Olivia shakes her head wearily. Two rejected invitations; she's still licking her wounds and wondering if she's crazy enough to try again. Probably.

"Three years after her funeral," John reads, "church bells will once again ring for Alexandra Cabot—this time when she weds Robert Forbes. Cabot, now a Bureau Chief in New York County, was an Assistant District Attorney with the Special Victims Unit in 2003, when…"

Munch continues reading, and Olivia feels her head start to spin. She knows Elliot is looking at her and she wishes he wouldn't. A rock settles in her stomach when she swallows, and she thinks she's okay until she gets in the bathroom and retches, vomiting until there's nothing left. She washes her hands, remembering a sink tinged with pink, Alex's blood.

She comes out of the bathroom. They're all still fucking talking about it, as if no one's ever gotten married before.

"How long before we hear the pitter-patter of little Cabots?" Munch muses.

"Shut up, John," Elliot says, firmly, but not unkindly. "Stop looking at me!" Olivia wants to scream.

Olivia sees her, outside the courthouse. It's the perfect kind of day—chilly, clear blue sky, and all the promise of a beautiful spring. There are surprisingly few people around, so there's no way to avoid her. Olivia allows herself to stare for a moment at the woman whom she knew inside and out, whom she couldn't get enough of, thoughjust a taste was enough to intoxicate her.

Her voice catches a little when she says it. Something she's said numerous times before, after trials. Then an opportunity to touch her back, her arm, invite her for a celebratory drink. Now a send-off, a farewell, and Olivia knows "How long?" is forever.

Olivia stares at the ring, glittering, she tells herself, from the sunlight, not from the tears in her eyes. She finally looks up. Straight into Alex's eyes, the same vibrant shade of blue she remembers. For a moment she sees everything she has ever known, has ever loved. Everything she has lived for. A second later it's gone, and looking into Alex's eyes is like trying to find her across an ocean. Things get misty in the distance.

"Congratulations," Olivia says again, and this time her voice is steady. She turns to walk away. And Alex calling after her is only her imagination.


	3. Chapter 3

Life is unfair, but death is always just, if only in its utter disregard for circumstances. An elderly lady came to this land of the dead, not expecting to find a corpse. A corpse lying above an empty grave, although of course the widow didn't know that. Soaked with last night's rain. And the day was dark and cloudy; that's spring, sunny one minute, raining the next. That's life.

It was small, the ceremony, because they tried to keep it hush-hush, given the situation. Elliot was there, of course, looking guilty as hell, for whatever reason. Rumor had it they'd been on the rocks for a while. Munch didn't offer any witty commentary. Cragen looked like he'd aged twenty years overnight. Fin just shook his head, over and over.

When the last shovel-full of dirt was placed on the casket, the others thought it was over. It was over long before. Years, or maybe days.

She places tulips in front of the simple stone. Cheerful but not outlandish. There's Olivia's mouth on her lips, her neck, her stomach. And Olivia's face in her mind like a slideshow—happy, sad, determined, devastated; beautiful.

"Did you know her?" he asks, stupidly, taking her hand.

She hears herself breathe, once, twice, again. "Yes."


End file.
